There is Value in the Valley

I love my plants. I didn’t always have a green thumb but after living with my big sister for a few years I developed a love for plants. I am not always the best at keeping certain types of plants alive. In fact it really breaks my heart when I can’t figure out how to care for one of them or if one dies. Similar to how I am with my relationships but that is another blog for another day to be written and read with cocktails!

I moved to the valley last October and it was one of the hardest moves of my life. For those that know me moving has become a way of life given my career path. It is nothing for me to pack up and move to other cities or states. My spirit has always landed me exactly where I needed to be. But this move was different. I have never, ever liked the valley because of a few different reasons but mainly because of the heat and it’s distance from the beach. Moving to Sherman Oaks made me feel like I was being put on punishment. So many of my friends love the valley but I dreaded moving over the hill. My spirit was not settled about this decision yet my spirit was insisting this was the right move. Ugh. Begrudgingly I set up shop in a cute neighborhood and prepared to get my life.

One thing I knew for sure is that if this was going to work I needed to make this new space feel like home as much as possible and as quickly as possible. I looked around my new space and discovered that there was not enough greenery for my liking. The valley is very dry and has a very brown landscape in some areas. The ground cover has a hard time surviving the brutal heat so desert landscaping is easier to maintain. I get it but I still did not like it. I drove to a local Home Depot and a nearby Armstrong’s Nursery and prepared to add a few babies to my jungle. I ended up buying a huge peace lily, a palm, a snake plant and a plant that had leaves that felt like velvet. (Some of you remember that I bought the snake plant after the squirrels stole my tulip bulbs! I am low key still salty about it but I will get through it. Namaste.) Anyway, I was in love with all of them but especially fond of Miss Velvet Leaves. I really loved her texture and the purple color on the backside of her leaves.

(Left to right on the floor) OG Baby -whom I have had for many years, Peace Lily, Snake Plant, Velveteen-white pot)

Much like her mother, my sweet Velveteen was struggling in the valley heat. I moved her all over my apartment trying to find the best place for her. I tried direct sun then no sun then light sun…she was not happy anywhere in the space. I kept her soil hydrated but she still was not happy. Eventually she lost all of her beautiful velvet leaves. She became covered in those little pesky gnats. She was losing her desire to sprout new life. But something wouldn’t allow me to throw her away. I moved her away from all the other plants because it appeared she was really sick & I didn’t want her to affect the other plants.

(Remember this pic from The Moving Target post? Velveteen is in the far left near the purple stool)

I cut away all of her dead leaves. She looked like a stump in a pot full of soil. Far from her original beauty that she came home with. I treated her soil for the pesky ass gnats! I kept watering her. I repeated this cycle a few times & then I let her rest but kept an eye on her. I can’t lie I was becoming discouraged because she as showing no signs of life. A friend gifted me another plant and she quickly became the big sis of the group. Her leaves stand tall and she flourished in her pot. So I decided to move Velveteen closer to her new big sis which ultimately put her back in the crowd. I kept watering her but still no action. Then one day I looked up & there it was…one little leaf shot up & out of her soil. I was so hype! Then there were 2, then 3 & then 4 signs of new life. It finally hit me…this plant has represented the last 8 months of my life’s journey.

Sometimes we have to go through shit we do not want to go through because it feels extremely uncomfortable. Even though we know this movement will take us to the next level of who we want to be. Sometimes we have to shed dead weight, release old habits,  remove unhealthy connections and change our environment to get ourselves to the very place we desire to be. I had to come to the valley to revamp my entire life. The shit was brutal and uncomfortable and at times downright UGLY AF! I had to isolate myself to see myself clearly before I made my next moves. One thing I know for sure is that I never make good decisions when my thoughts are chaotic and my mind is clouded with the influence of outside sources.

This move to the valley has proven to be life changing, necessary and rewarding in it’s own way. Little Miss Velveteen has reminded me that there is still a fire inside of me and it is time to sprout new life. There is Value in the Valley (please read this book by Iyanla if you have not already) and it will teach you what you need to know if you are open to it. I learned a few valuable lessons while living here. Here a a few…

• Alone time is good; isolation as a punishment to self is not. Tribes were created for a reason and it is important to have a healthy tribe surrounding you. If you feel as though you do not have a tribe then it may be time for you to build a new one. You do not have to go at this crazy thing called life alone.
• ASK FOR HELP! Allow others that truly love you to care for you. This was the hardest lesson for me but also the most important one. I am so grateful for my loves that showed up and showed out. Thank you for holding my hand. I love you.
• Remove unhealthy connections. You know exactly who & what you need to disconnect from. Thank them for being apart of your journey thus far and then release them.
• Pay attention to your body. It will send you signals when you need nourishment, water and/or rest.

I hope my little Velveteen will serve as a reminder for you to keep going when you want to give up. Even when it feels like the end, there is still a fire inside of you and you must fan those flames! When you feel like you cannot fan, ask your tribe to assist you and actually allow them to show up for you. Remember that this moment of discomfort will pass and you will emerge again with a renewed spirit. A wise woman told me right before I moved here that life is a series of peaks and valleys. No one gets to jump from peak to peak. You must travel through a valley every now and then to get to the next peak. I gained a lot from this experience but it is time to go. I got my lessons and now it is time to put them into action….over the hill! I am grateful for this experience and I am excited about the next part of my journey.

Check out Little Miss Velveteen now (L) and Big Sis (R) still watching over everyone:-)

 

 

The Moving Target

Success. That word is so loaded for me. For years I only had one vision of success. It is that same old song that young ladies are sold in some of the fairy tales that most of us read during our adolescent years. (cues up Auntie Anita for soundtrack purposes) On one side of the definition of success there were the staples…grow up, get a degree, get a good job or start a career, get married, buy a house and have kids. Maybe I would travel some or get a dog? Of course the biggest symbol of all was marriage. Nothing screams success more than being “Mrs. such and such”! I cringed as I wrote it just as my single sisters may have as they read it. My bad y’all….but we can’t deny that story that we were sold. I did a few of those things and I celebrated myself for having accomplished them. Okay let me be clear, I celebrated but I never really felt fulfilled. It’s like every time I would accomplish one of those ‘symbols of success’ it would feel very lack luster. There was this nagging inside that kept tugging at me. During my twenties and some of my thirties it felt as though I was on someone else’s journey.  And then there is the other side of the coin. What happens when you don’t accomplish the things on the list? What then? Are you not considered a successful person? It got me to thinking….what does success mean to me?

I promise whenever I am tapped into the divine energy, the Universe responds. The subject started coming up in random conversations. I listened to my regularly scheduled podcasts and it was a subject that came up in some of the latest episodes. Shout out to The Friend Zone. If I am being honest I have redefined success several hundred times within my 41 years on this floating ball we call earth. I had to quickly subtract being married by 25. I deleted the degree at 30 and the kids by 40. I added more traveling, a dog and moving my residence around the country several times. See the previous unfinished post “Am I There Yet?”. It is a question that I am still asking. That’s probably why I never finished the post.

Grow up and buy a house they said. It will be fun they said. Listen here, that had to be one of the most trying and traumatic experiences I have ever gone through in my 41 years of life. While I can chuckle at the situation now, I am still unpacking that experience; so much so that I still battle with the idea of buying a home again. One thing I have learned throughout my life’s journey is that whenever I have to force something it is not for me. No ma’am. If it doesn’t flow easily then it is not for me. The crazy thing is that I feel guilt about having things flow so easily especially if I see a loved one battling with something I am flowing through breezily. Oh snap that rhymed. That is an entirely different discussion that requires wine. I digress.

So I am sitting here on this beautiful Saturday in Sherman Oaks and once again I am redefining what success means to me. For some reason it is starting to feel like a moving target. It feels so unfair at times. Or is it? This moving target causes me to stay on my toes and in a constant state of discovery.  My definition of success changes each time I grow and my mind expands. Smaller triumphs are getting much more attention from me these days rather than the so called monumental achievements. For example, today has been a very successful day thus far. I got enough sleep last night & as a result I took Ari Gold for a longer walk than normal. (Something that is good both of us!) I sat down on my patio, drank a cup of coffee and finished 2 chapters of the current book that I am reading. I cleaned off my patio and vacuumed all of the cobwebs that little Miss Charlotte “I don’t pay any rent up in here” left on my patio. (For the record all spiders are named Charlotte. Read the book or just go with it) I cleaned my kitchen, made my bed, cleaned my bathroom rugs and took out my trash. I even started my website platform! Hallelujah! SUCCESS!!! Sister is feeling very accomplished! LOL!

You see, there are days when just getting out of my bed is the success for the day. There are days when surviving the code switching at work (that drains the life out of me) deserves a trophy! Those days are successful days for me as well. What do my future successful days look like? Hmmm…I am thinking they will be pretty similar to today. I want to rise with the sun instead of an alarm clock. I want to meditate before my feet hit the floor and set my intentions for the day without feeling rushed. I want to eat healthy foods and be good to my body throughout the day. I want to be of service to my family, friends and community.  I am sure there will be some big items such as traveling and growing my businesses as well but I will remember to count the smaller accomplishments too! As sure as the sun shines I can guarantee the days will be filled with love and they will flow easily because that is a sign of success for me.

I saw a post on IG today that said “Decide what kind of life you want. Then say no to everything that doesn’t fit your vision”. I felt those words in my soul. I am going to stay in this vibration for as long as I can today. This is crucial while I am designing what kind of life I want to live going forward. The vision is becoming clearer and clearer. In the meantime, I am celebrating my clean space! Whooo hooo!

(Peep how Ari Gold is chilling and living his best life! Gotta love my entourage.)

Sweets and Stories

 

It started with a random message on Facebook. I knew that I had seen his face before but I couldn’t place it. We had over 100 friends in common so I knew I knew him but from where? He told me I signed his 8th grade yearbook and then I knew! He was a fellow Parent Panther.  We chatted for several weeks about our memories from grade school; about the friends we still had in common and the ones that had passed away. It was cool to be able to chat with someone that remembered the “good old days” and was actually present for them. We agreed to meet for drinks at one of my favorite bars in Midtown. I knew my way around the city since I had been living in Atlanta for a few years. A friendly meet up with a classmate from junior high. That was it. That is all that it would be. I arrived before him since I lived closer to the spot. I sat at the bar and my favorite bartender Jay poured my signature drink, an espresso martini. I chatted with him about how I was getting ready to see an old friend that I hadn’t seen since 1991. We joked about how folks always look so different after the years pass and the pounds pack on.

And then it happened. I watched him walk up to the door of the bar. He was shorter than I remembered but his presence was huge. He had on a black leather coat, black T-shirt, somewhat baggie blue jeans and diamond necklace that was sparkling in the darkness. He reached for the door with his right hand while looking over his shoulder. This is something I have seen many LA dudes do. They are constantly looking over their shoulders regardless of where they are. He stepped in the bar and it was as if my heart knew that he was here for us. As he approached me, I could feel the butterflies begin to flutter which was odd because we had never flirted in the previous weeks leading up to this meeting. What in the world is happening right now? Why am I having these feelings? Instantly I knew. As he stepped closer and closer to me I knew. I was in love with this man. It was instantaneous. I stood up and gave him a hug. My heart flew open and unbeknownst to him, he was thrust into a place within me that had been closed for a very long time. How did he get here? That’s right! Nobody’s supposed to be here! LOL!

I tried to keep my cool as we shared fun conversation and a few drinks. We reminisced about all of our days at Parent and caught each other up on our current happenings.  A friend of his joined us at the bar. I was relieved as I figured this would be my excuse to exit and escape these new feelings that I was still trying to make sense of. His friend paid our entire tab and then informed us that we would be joining him at a new hot spot in Buckhead. Normally my spidey senses would be going bazerk especially with all of the sex trafficking happening in our world but oddly enough I didn’t panic. I actually felt safe. My heart was chill but my mind still wanted to know what the fuck was happening!

I agreed to join them and we left for the next spot. I figured I would jump in a cab if I really wanted to leave once we got there. He and I found a table in a corner of the new spot and his friend went off to flirt with a few ladies near the bar. I am not sure if it was the drinks that allowed him to finally let his guard down but this time our conversation was filled with flirty banter. During our banter he looked over and noticed his friend was in need of a wing man. He stood up to go help out but not before assuring me that he would return. He turned to walk away but then he turned back and leaned in to kiss me. Just as flowers turn towards the sun I raised up to meet his lips. This wasn’t just any kiss. It was magical. If this were a movie this would definitely be the part where the montage comes in and you see the character’s imaginary future together. We stayed lip locked for several seconds until we both pulled away in a huff. Shocked and stunned for a moment we stared at each other for what seemed like forever until I reminded him to go check on his friend. We couldn’t move; we were stuck in each other’s gaze. The kiss was amazing but the intimacy in the stare was paralyzing. And so it began…

Don’t Let The Namaste Fool You!

The first time I saw the book ‘Eat,Pray. Love’ I was living in Atlanta and the year was 2007. I admit I was intrigued but I was also wondering what all of the hype was about. Little did I know how much that book and it’s author would change my life. My world had just crumbled around me a few years before the sighting and I wasn’t quite sure how to put it back together or if I even wanted to. All of my symbols of success had been blown to smithereens and I seized the opportunity to set my status to autopilot. I was numb or so I thought. It took me another 3 years to buy the book and read it. But when I did….OMG….I could not put it down! For the first time in a long time I felt like someone felt me. Liz was married and I was single but we shared some of the same thoughts about life, marriage, happiness and dare I say it…dun dun dun….motherhood! While I absolutely love children I never thought I would have any. I dated men with children and I think I was a pretty great step parent but the thought of giving birth really freaked me out. What I experienced while reading EPL was a change in the narrative. You know the one…grow up, get married, have kids and die. Rinse and repeat. This is not shade towards the women who have chosen to be mothers. This is a stab at the narrative that is fed to young girls all over the world. There are more options than the fairy tales have led us to believe. There is indeed another narrative, a road less traveled and most times frowned upon. How do I know? Lizzie Gilbert said so! In my mind we are not only birthday twins-true story-but we are besties and she lets me call her Liz or Lizzie because in my mind we are cool like that. Just go with it! LOL! I digress.  I know because I was and am still living this narrative today. While I was intrigued by the entire book there was something about one part of the book that stuck with me. Bali.

Beautiful. Love filled. Namaste. Awesome Bali. The way she described every detail it was as if I was right there with her. And then there’s Ketut. Oh how I love Ketut. There is something so special about his simplistic lifestyle that made me want to toss my keys on the desk, sell all my shit and hop on the next thing smoking to Bali! I said a prayer as I finished the book and then I made a silent promise to myself. I am going to Bali.

I’m going to Bali!

And so the imaginary countdown began. I had no clue that it would be 10 years before I would actually step foot on Indonesian soil & in all honesty I forgot about it a couple of times along the journey. A few things changed in my life during the 10 year countdown. I excelled in my career, fell in love and again had my soul completely shattered by it. That small chain of events assisted in my decision to move back across the country to a city I never thought I would reside in after leaving the first time in 1992. Los Angeles. During this time my yearning for a spiritual journey was reignited. I realized I had a lot of unfinished business and self work that needed to be completed if I was going to make it to the next chapter of Kelli. A dear friend from high school started a company that hosts spiritual retreats for women. I stalked her on Facebook during a trip that she previously took and posted about. The urge grew and I knew that I would definitely be with her on the next trip.

Fast forward to October 2016 and I found myself on a 13.5 hour flight 30,000 feet or so in the air on my way to Bali. It felt surreal and I struggled to stay present in each moment. During the first leg of the trip I sat next to Kelly Lynn. (I can’t make this stuff up!) Her energy was mixed but light. She was so sweet and felt bad for asking me to get up to use the potty. She was also in the last year of her 30’s (yay 77) and she had just begun going thru a divorce. She’s a beautiful actress (shocker) and also lives in Hollywood streets from my house. Coincidence? Nah. Needless to say there were a whole lot of “OMG me too!” moments during that conversation.
The entire trip takes about 19 hours however you will have a layover for a few hours in Taiwan. If you have to be stranded in an airport anywhere in the world you want it to be in Taipei. This airport is gorgeous! There are so many random features that you want and need in an airport that hosts international travelers. There’s a mini Rodeo Drive in terminal B, a music room, meditation area, massage pods and an orchid garden. I mean really, say it again slowly. There’s an orchid garden in the airport!!!!

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Hello kitty is everywhere. Adolescent little girls all over the world dream of the place where Hello Kitty nick knacks cover every inch of the room. I’m here to tell your little dreamy hearts that is does exist!!! I totally turned into a 9 year old and it took everything in me to remain a calm adult & refrain from spending all my vacay monies in that store! After all I’m on a spiritual journey to Bali to fix my chi not go nuts in the Sanrio store. We find the most American restaurant in terminal B and make our way to a table for two. This restaurant is a little different from the rest. It has white table cloths and the servers speak English very well. Needless to say I was pleased with my chicken fingers and truffle fries. Feel free to judge me for eating this food in Taipei. After a 13.5 hour flight I was not trying to be too adventurous with my food lol! When we got to our gate I morphed right back into my 9 year old self when I saw our plane. You guessed it…..we were flying to Bali on the one and only Hello Kitty plane! The seats, barf bags, silverware and pillows were covered in Sanrio goodness. I wiped my ass with Hello Kitty toilet paper y’all. Mother has lived! Seriously it was Hello Kitty overkill but I was totally there for it!!! Although it was a bit bumpy, the flight wasn’t bad. My only let down was that there were no phone chargers on the plane. Really boo boo kitty??? The highlight of the flight was seeing the excitement of the two young girls behind me. They were traveling with their parents and they were from one of my favorite cities, San Francisco. They were so full of life and they had no problem telling me how much I was going to enjoy Bali. Thank you Samantha & Lillian. Yes I sat in front of a baby girl with the same name as my mom. Things like this happen to me all the time. The Universe really does love to send me confirmations.

We landed in Bali and all I could see was green. Gorgeous green everywhere! It was so humid and I was super grateful that I wrapped my hair up. We quickly grab our bags, go through customs and make our way to our driver. If you have never driven in another country you are in for a treat. I should’ve know something was up when my dear friend from high school jumped into the backseat and buckled up before I could protest.  Our driver, Dodi (pronounced Doh-dee) was so sweet I just had to sit with him in the front seat. Let’s just dive right in! There are no rules to the road. None. Get in where you fit in or they will run you over…with love of course. They move through the streets like a swarm of honey bees in the trees. Navigating through the cars, people and animals as if there is a guided path but I assure you there is not. Don’t get me wrong, there a lanes and stop lights but no one is paying them any attention. The people are so sweet and full of love. I know they would feel awful if they actually ran you over but do not let the namaste fool you. Keep your ass off the road if you are not about that moped life and can’t get with the flow! Do not under estimate the moped’s cargo space. A standard moped can fit a full family on it. A father, mother, 2 years old holding sugar cane and a 9 month old. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my very own eyes. I don’t know how I managed to pick up on the cargo space because I had to hide my eyes every few hundred feet. Dodi  was no joke! He was in the flow and he too zipped through traffic in his SUV as if we were all on the back of his moped. I was scared for my life and yet I trusted his skills. When he reached for his phone I had to look away and say a prayer though. Dodi got us to our villa safe, sound & a little shook up lol!

There was a lot of traffic in the city so it was dark by the time we arrived. I had seen the pictures of the villa but the night view did it no justice at all. I couldn’t wait to get to sleep so I could see the space in God’s light. We put our bags down & decided to go back into the city to grab a bite to eat. We chose a beautiful restaurant that was perched in the trees but due to nightfall I couldn’t see the view. I secretly hoped we would get to go back there so I can see the view in the daytime. When we walked in we were instructed to remove our shoes. I instantly had a Carrie Bradshaw moment. You know the episode where she is forced to take off her shoes and someone steals them? Yeah I was feeling very uneasy however I didn’t want to offend the natives. Little did I know this would be one of the first lessons about this culture and the conditioning of my own American culture.

The entire restaurant is outside. It almost feels as if it is perched in the trees like a tree house. When we turned the corner to walk up the stairs to the tables we were greeted by beautiful marigolds. These weren’t just any flowers. They spelled out a beautiful message that reminded us of why we all came to Bali.  Love Your Self. Simple and to the point. At this point it hit me that I am in Bali and this is my life. I am forever changed and I haven’t even started my retreat yet.

#100HappyDays #Day59 #beepbeep

 

Good Lord the elevator was taking longer than normal that Wednesday. I guess I wouldn’t have been as concerned if I had gotten out of bed when my alarm went off at 7:00 am. I probably wouldn’t have been as concerned if I hadn’t played around on Facebook for an extra ten minutes. Whatever! I wasn’t going to spend the next two and a half minutes beating myself up about being 3 minutes late. The previous six months had been trying my soul something fierce so they needed to be happy I didn’t call in that day. Finally the steel box arrived although it felt as though it never would. I felt a little ungrateful complaining about my five minute commute when the rest of my colleagues were probably somewhere stuck on the 101, the 10 or the dreaded 405. I looked up and realized that I forgot to put another quote in the community news however I was glad to see the quote I posted for #100happydays still in the frame. I fell in love with this daily challenge and I needed that little reminder this morning. I am a blessed woman and I have plenty to be happy about. I looked down at my phone and it was 9:02 am. I stepped off the elevator with a smile and started my day.

 

I never thought I would develop an affinity for Hollywood but it started growing on me. It still amazes me that there are so many beautiful neighborhoods in LA however everything seemed to be overshadowed by dirty ass Hollywood. I opened the blinds, put the sign out, took the phones off service and got ready to check my email. I was sure it would be flooded with complaints from my entitled little yuppies, also known as residents, but I grabbed my mouse and began scrolling anyway. Lead, complaint, work order, lead, lead, lead, and another complaint….yeah it was shaping up to be a typical hump day. I pulled a delinquency report before checking my final email. The regional ranking report was waving at me. A lovely reminder of how great or not so great I was performing in my region and how I measured up against my peers. It was just what I needed on that glorious hump day. I could feel my side eye forming as I left clicked on my mouse.

 

How did I get here? I am a 36 year old African American woman whom my company left in charge of $20 million worth of real estate in Hollywood, California. Truth be told it is a step down from the $50 million my previous company left me in charge of in Atlanta but who’s counting? It was more pressure than I had ever felt because I had been alone on this project for over six months. In the past I have had a team and we did the work together. This was a very different experience for me. I spent most of my days comparing myself to my peers and beating myself up for not feeling as though I was doing the best job I might have been capable of doing. Judging by the amount of complaints I received on a daily basis, one could argue that my performance was pretty bad.

 

My conscious mind tried to remind me that I am only in competition with myself. My ego stomped in and shot my confidence right out of the sky.  Instantly I was 12 years old again. I felt completely inadequate as the criticism began to stir and like clockwork I began to pick myself apart. I started to question my worthiness. Do you really think you’re good enough to do this job? Do you really think you are smart enough? I shook my head from left to right and attempted to throw the negative thoughts from my mind but the more I resisted, the more they continued to grow like the moss on my planters outside.

 

One chirp later and I was being saved by my text messages! I did not have the time for the break down I felt I deserved so I picked up my phone and welcomed the distraction. I entered my secret code and saw a message from my friend Jala. She always hits me up at the perfect time. As we got to texting about everything and nothing, I noticed the report on my laptop. My community was #1 across the ranks in Southern California. I made the font bigger as if the larger letters would change the ranking. Yes it was true, my community was #1 in Southern California! I started bouncing in my seat and texting Jala so she could celebrate simultaneously in Maryland! No sooner than I typed the words to Jala, the doubt and criticism begin to stir yet again. In that very moment I was so proud of myself yet I wouldn’t allow myself to fully enjoy it. I’d turned into a thief and I was stealing my own shine! One would think that after almost twenty years in this business that these types of insecurities wouldn’t exist but they did. Why did my mind instantly go to the negative instead of embracing the positive as it does in every other area of my life? Why was it so hard to grasp that maybe, just maybe, I am good at what I do? I explained everything to Jala and before I could blow up the balloons and hang the streamers at my pity party she quickly broke out her scissors.

 

It was as if God himself whispered into her ear and told her exactly what to say. She reminded me that I do have the experience, the knowledge and capabilities to not only achieve greatness but to exceed it! She reminded me that I have been able to quickly move up the ranks of some of the best companies in our industry despite my not having a degree. She reminded me of all of the awards I won previously in my career. She was truly ‘strumming my pain with her fingers’ and turning my testimony into a beautiful melody. She went on to remind me of how I have affected the world around me and she enabled me to see the beautiful motion picture that my life is to myself and others. In that moment, Jala helped to remind me that it is okay to not only celebrate what I have accomplished but to also celebrate who I am. Simply put, it is okay to dance to your own beat and toot your own horn!

 

It is so easy to get caught up in our own minutia that we forget just how far we have come. How easily we forget all of the wonderful things that we have accomplished and all of the lives that we touch on a daily basis. There is nothing better than being open enough to receiving the love when it is being returned. It is also a good feeling to allow myself to validate the feelings as they arise and to let them flow through. Fear and guilt are natural reactions however it is not okay for me to let them take root. (That is my own life’s rule, not the gospel lol) I am a firm believer that if allowed, they can sometimes destroy the beauty in the world.  In that moment I was able to let go of the guilt and acknowledge that my cup was overflowing with goodness and love. I took a moment to simply pat myself on the back for doing an outstanding job. Not only had I achieved the highest occupancy for the first two quarters of 2014 but I had the lowest delinquency and highest rent growth. In other words, I had made my company a lot of money. While it is nice to be validated by my peers, nothing feels better than validating myself. While I cannot sing my melody aloud just yet, I will continue to allow myself to sound off and toot my own horn!

June 19, 2014…..status update….#100happydays #day59 #beepbeep

Heaven….a random short story…

 

I can’t believe she wants to go out in this heat. I’m just as excited to be drinking legally these days but I want to wait until the sun goes down. And besides I look fantastic in the evening sun. I love my girl but Lord knows I’m no fan of sports. A basketball game? Outside? Who does that? Oh well, what the hell? Its summertime and I am sure the guys will have their shirts off in this heat so I figure why not? I throw my hair up in a messy bun, grab my favorite baggy jeans and a cute white crop top. You gotta love Janet for giving women our age permission to expose our sexy.

We arrive at Venice Beach & it’s jumping as usual. Sundays are always fun days at Venice. Jennifer immediately spots the guy she’s been macking for the last few weeks. Luckily I’m a little buzzed so I pay her no mind and quickly find a spot on the bleachers. Thank God it’s a little cooler near the beach. My spot on the bleachers is perfect! I can see Muscle Beach and the b-ball court so things are looking good from here. I take a sip of this Alize’ based concoction that Jennifer put together at my house before we dipped. I really hate Alize’ but I refused to come sober. I spot Jennifer out of the corner of my eye and she is on her way over with her new boo. I am so not in the mood to be friendly to her new fling. God knows he won’t make it past Labor Day so I am not sure why I need to meet him. “Hey girrrrrl” she says as she approaches. I try my hardest to hide my disdain but the heat makes me roll my eyes as I turn to face her. “This is Antoine. Antoine this is my girl Lynn I was telling you about.” I muster up the fakest smile this way of the Mississippi and extend my hand. “Pleasure is all mine, Miss Lynn” he says. My fake smile is fading fast as I cut my eyes at Jennifer. “Nice to meet you Antoine” I say still looking at Jennifer like she has snakes coming out of her head. I promise the heat is making her look like Medusa. “Antoine is playing in the next game with his cousin Dre. He’s visiting from NY. I was thinking we could all get up later and grab something to eat.” For sake of argument I oblige. I mean really how can I disagree? She drove so I am pot committed. “Sure. Why not?” Jennifer kisses Antoine quickly before he returns to the court. She plops down next to me and grabs are little liquid friend. “He’s fine right? I told you. I know how to pick ’em!” “Yeah you know how to pick ’em girl” I say still rolling my eyes. “So what’s up with his cousin? What’s his story?” I brace myself for the inevitable. Jennifer is hooking me up with 23rd member of the Wu-Tang Clan. He will be tall and have on jeans that are way too big for his thin frame, a worn out basketball jersey and of course Timberland boots. I swear that the Timberland boots are the only footwear they sell in NY.

“Well all I know is he is here from NY and he’s playing with Twon in the next game”. “So you didn’t think to ask what he looks like. I mean how do you know if he wants to go eat with us?” “Look he is here on vacay so he is rolling wherever Twon says he is rolling….” I completely tune her out as I look across the court and spot heaven. Yes ladies heaven on earth is happening at Venice Beach! The entire beach falls silent with the exception of the waves hitting the shore behind me. There are some things that we will never understand as human beings. This is one of those things. There is a Rasta man selling incense, a Hispanic lady pedaling fresh fruit, grunts coming from muscle beach coupled with the hoochie mamas cat calling to them and I cannot hear a thing. It is as if time stopped and I am stuck in this moment. Someone must’ve pressed play on an imaginary jukebox because all of the sudden I hear ‘No Diggity’ playing. He’s moving to every single beat. Mmmm hmmm. He drops his bag with his right hand and looks over his shoulder. Mmmm hmmm. Black. Bald. Beautiful. I say a small prayer that no one else can see him but me. Any woman in her right mind would want to keep this vision to herself. Mmmm hmmm. In the same breath I pray that the heat is not creating a mirage of greatness. I would say he is about 6 foot maybe 6′ 1″. Caramel colored with shoulders of adonis and wearing a white tee so bright you would swear he was glowing in the daylight. As he licks his lips we catch eyes and in that moment I feel as though I am suffocating. His penis is showing through his basketball shorts. Goodness what a beautiful sight.

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! “Lynn! Are you listening to me?” I shake my head and try to gain control of myself. “Yeah girl. I’m listening” “Oh really? What did I just say?” Thinking quickly and trying not to lose my view of heaven I respond “Seriously? Girl I heard you. Continue.” Jennifer, clearly annoyed, continues “so he’s here for the summer and staying with Twon. They are super tight and I am sure they are going to wanna kick it. Are you down?” “Yeah girl I’m down” I respond, careful not to break my gaze with heaven. There’s a slight breeze creeping over the court and the players are switching out. I see Heaven step onto the court and I feel the butterflies begin to dance in my belly. It’s clear at this moment that I am not dreaming of this man. He really exists. 9 other men make their way onto the court but I cannot break the trance. I am in Heaven. Jennifer is yapping in my left ear about grabbing fruit but I am posted. At this moment basketball is the most important sport in the whole wide world and I am its biggest fan. Sneakers are screeching, whistles are blowing and I am doing my best to keep up with the game. My mind wanders off as I wonder where he is from. Clearly he is not from LA. I would’ve seen him by now. Then again he might’ve graduated from Redondo. I wonder if he likes Mexican food. Where does he live? Please let that print be real. All I know is I need more details on Heaven. The game is over within 45 minutes and I am so engaged that I don’t even realize that the tournament is over. Heaven makes his way to the edge of the court and picks up his bag. “Hey girl I am going to grab Twon. Meet me at the car?” I am a little annoyed because Jenn’s little interruption causes me to lose my focus and Heaven disappears in the crowd. “Okay” I reply. Walking back to the car I drift off into Heaven. I wonder if he loves music. Can he dance? Does he like to kiss? Lynn get out of your head. He’s gone and you have to get ready for Ol’ D.B. and the yucky Fatburger tales that are to come from this dreaded outing. I hop up onto Jennifer’s trunk and stare at the waves and await the dreaded aftermath. There is something magical about the beach. The water has a way of reminding us that there are forces bigger than us. Life is always moving forward with or without our approval. The waves make their way to the shore without reminders and the tide rolls in as scheduled. The ocean always reminds me of all things great and all of the possibilities that life has to offer.

The sun is starting to set and my buzz is wearing off. I can hear Jenn approaching her car, yapping with Antoine over my shoulder. I resist turning around as I am admiring the ocean in all of its beauty. “You ready?” “Yeah girl” I say without looking at Jenn. “Twon and Dre are going to ride with us. Let’s Go!” “That’s cool.” I hop off the trunk just as the sun disappears over the horizon. I promise I look best in this lighting. If only Heaven could only see me now. I turn to get into the car and Twon introduces me to his cousin. “Lynn this is Dre. Dre this is Jennifer’s cousin Lynn” I take a deep breath, look up and blush. Without thinking twice I extend my hand, smile and say “Hello Heaven. Nice to meet you”

 

Am I there yet?

It has been almost a year since I packed up my apartment, my Murano and my beloved dog Ari Gold and moved back across the country. Yes you read that correctly BACK across the country. My first journey across the country brought me to this very same place almost 16 years ago. I wasn’t sure what the future would hold but I knew my future was NOT in the desert land of Las Vegas. I was super excited to move to Atlanta because I knew that the city was thriving at that time, there is an enormous amount of history on every street and my big sister was already here. I was an optimistic 21 year old and I was ready to live it up in “HOTlanta”! I quickly realized that the natives never called it that LOL!

The city was very good to me and I ended up staying for about 11 years before I decided to move back to the grimey streets of Los Angeles…again. That lasted for a little over 4 years which brings us to present day. Although my stint in LA was brief I was able to experience a freedom that I hadn’t experienced yet. I learned to not only hear my own voice comfortably but to really listen to it as well. For years I have made moves in my life that have been heavily influenced by external sources. Yeah I like to heed good advice however I was placing more value on the other voices I was hearing. I was allowing the fears and optimism of others to have more value than my own. I mean who knew I would actually be able to make a decision for myself AND that it would probably be the best decision for me? I mean really…who knew? I didn’t know it at the time but I definitely know it now. When I look over my life I quickly realize that I have known what is best for me all along. I can remember how I felt (and currently feel) when I made a decision based on the feelings of others. I also remember how great I feel when I make a decision using my very own instinct. I want that feeling back!

So here I am at yet another crossroads in my life. Shit! It feels as if this is all being a grown up is! A series of hard ass decisions that we must make on a monthly and sometimes weekly or daily basis. I can’t help thinking “am I there yet???” Oh and while I am asking questions while I am thinking, can someone tell me “where the hell is there?” I mean seriously every goal I reach I don’t even get to enjoy it because damn if I am not already thinking about the next goal! Sheesh! There are so many things that the grown ups that came before me forgot to put in the freaking ‘Grown Up’ brochure! So shady! But I digress….I am at a crossroads and I really want to make this decision for myself, by myself. While I love Atlanta, my spirit is calling me (begging me even) to head back west. LA is cool but I am being pulled to live outside of the city. San Diego? San Francisco? Oxnard? Carlsbad? It is our in the Universe now. I am going to sit with this feeling for awhile and see where spirit guides me.